Year 28
Today, I notch another year around the sun. At 28, the big three-zero isn't just a distant thought anymore. It's funny; I remember viewing this age as distinctly adult when I was younger. Now, I catch myself thinking, 'Age is just a number.' Am I really becoming one of those people?
This write-up, I'm not entirely sure what it's about. A call for help? A sermon? Or just me laying down my thoughts? Not sure. If you figure it out, hit me up.
Achyut, Stop Comparing I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at this age. In fact, I have been losing at life if my yardstick are my dreams. I’m making less money than I did two years back. I got divorced, which brought heartbreak and emotional turmoil. I’ve battled anxiety and depression on and off throughout this past year. I’ve grown a belly that I despise looking at everyday. And the list goes on.
However, I’ve also gained so much. I’ve built a support system with my closest friends and family. I now have the courage to ask for help. Being in therapy almost continuously has helped me identify and work on patterns I didn’t even know existed. I’ve learned to prioritize myself over everything or everyone else. I wrote a book. I learned Improv. I’m building my own company. I did things that I never imagined I could. Along the way, I learned to trust the present more than to worry about the past or the future. And that is powerful.
Achyut, Shut the Inner Critique While in therapy, I discovered that my inner voice thinks in negative extremes. That inner voice is so loud that I doubt my own decisions, my skillset, my gut, and my existence. I have had thoughts like, "Achyut, you are not worthy of love or success. You are so selfish and judgmental. You can't even love yourself. How can anyone love you? You are a loser." I haven't yet figured out where this originates from. It has taken me a year of daily journaling sessions to finally recognize this voice. And I am going to work tirelessly to shut it down, every single day. A bit melodramatic, but this is the birthday message I wrote to myself -
"Well, Achyut! Happy 28th. I am so fucking proud of the person you have become. Battered and bruised, scars as fresh as morning sunlight; yet with a resolve as huge as a mountain. That defines you. Unfortunately for you, you yourself are your biggest enemy. So to that, I toast this — fuck you! Fuck you for being that constant, persistent voice of discouragement and self-criticism. Fuck you for not standing up for me. But now I know you exist and I am going to conquer you. Just wait and watch, this year is when I win over that fucking voice. And I dare you, I dare you to stop me!"
Achyut, Be Patient, Trust the Process, and Just Show Up And goddamn, I have become so impatient. I watch Netflix on constant scroll and finish 2-hour movies in 30 minutes — I just want to know how the story ends. I skip pages while reading books. I start projects at work thinking only about the final outcome, not putting in the necessary work. And while working, I end up worrying too much about the final outcome, losing the joy in the process.
I am not the first person to realize this. In fact, I believe this is the most cliché piece of learning one can have. If only that made it any easier to implement.
My word for last year was intention. And I am going to try and continue living with intentionality. But this year’s word is patience. I am going to embrace uncertainty on my way to year 29 and trust that things will happen. How can they not?